till i can't control myself
by gailpeck
Summary: Honestly, when it comes to Ryder - she finds herself with her back pressed into the strangest things. Kitty/Ryder, headcanon, M for suggestion


**just another thing i spent doing while i should be studying for midterms. love my life. so much. so fun. much fun. please review i'll probably marry you in the near distant future or i'll sent ryan murphy a love letter with the urgent request to make kyder a thing. sorry it so sucky but i had to get this out of my head and since there are only like 12 fics about kitty and ryder, i figured i'd upload it. :)**

**song is faster by matt nathanson i own nothing hot damn**

…

"_own me, you own, you rattle my bones_

_you turn me over and over till i can't control myself_

_make me a liar, one big disaster_

_you make my heart beat faster._"

/

It starts out slow with them.

The first kiss is kind of awkward (because didn't she say he had a weiner head once?) and unexpected and also very sweet. She isn't used to sweet. It's usually hot and fast and hard - never sweet.

But she's late to rehearsal once and Mr. Schuster goes all Britney Spears anno 2007 and she doesn't need any of it to be honest. She doesn't storm out and she doesn't complain, just does her part and tries to smile.

She's trying to be nice for once, but it's getting really tiring. She loves these people, she does, but she doesn't get why she can't point out that Unique's wig is making her look like a crack addict or the fact that Tina should really just not wear those bags she calls dresses.

And when the song ends she sits down at the edge of the stage, putting the drumsticks they were using as props down next to her and waits for everyone to leave. She can't listen to Marley yap on and on about Jake while Unique compliments Tina's cute bra. She might lose it and ruin her newfound female hulk personality. She's thinking of picking up kickboxing, just to, you know, get rid of the rage rumbling inside of her every waking minute she spends at this school.

He comes sit next to her, leaving enough distance for another person to sit in between them and she doesn't even have to look up to know it's him. She recognizes the squeaky nike shoes and the sigh he lets out as he sits down (because he does that a lot around her sigh and moan and roll his eyes). Besides, she's pretty sure she saw the silhouette of a ken doll on the floor anyway.

"What?" She snaps as she reminds herself of those yoga exercises Marley told her about. Breathe in, breathe out..

"Are you okay? You're breathing kind of funny," he responds, ignoring her previous question, giving her a worried look as he moves a little closer to examine her face.

She shakes her head, leaning her head back for a moment and groaning aggravatedly, "I really hate yoga, you know?"

He breaks out in a smile and she doesn't know why he does or why her toes curl a little because he does so she puts on a frown. She taps her fingers for a second because in that moment, when he's looking her, she feels sort of nervous.

Kitty Wilde doesn't really ever feel nervous because it's just not something she does. She doesn't get the sweaty palms and the fast heartbeat and the googly eyes. She doesn't need nor want that. She wants quick, fleeting things. She doesn't like steady.

"You're really trying hard to to be nice, huh?" He says after a moment of just looking at her

"Yeah, sticky sweet," she says in a bright tone, looking down at her shoes as she tries to fake a smile but it falters all too quickly.

She feels like she's the person she's just not - a fraud. Some people are just mean. No sad backstory or traumatic experiences. Just mean. She likes it like that. It distances people.

"Well, I think it's cool," he says a little unsure as his hand itches closer to hers. She tries not to notice it in the corner of her eye but she does and fuck, how can she get out of this? Fuck, why doesn't she want to get out of this?

"But for the record," he swallows hard, continueing to talk as his eyes land on the side of her face again instead of her small hand with the bright pink nails and lean fingers and he figures he shouldn't screw this up. He screwed up enough shit in the past.

"Yeah?" She says distractedly as she finally turns to look at him again. For the record, _what_? You're still a raging bitch? Nobody likes you anyway? They haven't forgotten what you did to them? She snaps, because if he's going to insult her, he better be a man about it, "Spit it out, Ken."

"I liked you before, too," he retorts without skipping a beat and he doesn't sound nervous like her, like this is normal (telling people how you feel about them and making her all sweaty palms and fast heartbeat and googly eyes). She gives him a confused look and he bites one the inside of his cheek as he reaches for her hand.

She looks down at her hand, and she swallows really hard before she remarks that he better, "not be doing what I think you're doing -" before he leans closer and kisses her. Like actually puts his lips on hers and just kisses her. Out of nowhere. He didn't have a girlfriend to make jealous or didn't need her to be dancing around in her underwear to get him interested - he literally just kissed her and, she kisses him back.

Soon enough, he's as close as he can be and she's laying on her back with a pair of drumsticks pressing into the small of her back and they're at school in an auditorium and anyone could walk in any second and see her get it on with Ryder Lynn (for God's sake how did this even happen) but for a minute, she really doesn't care about any of that and she just kisses him back.

It sweet and slow and innocent and she can't remember the last time anyone kissed her like that - that anyone actually found what they had serious enough to take it slow, that anyone actually took _her_ serious enough. It feels all warm and fuzzy and _gross_ in her chest.

She decides she likes it. Just a little.

/

She's walking down the hallway, people parting like the red sea, when he suddenly slips his hand into hers. Her eyes get alarmingly big as she quickly jerks her hand away and makes sure no one saw.

"Excuse you," she tries to keep her voice down as she stops walking and turns to face him. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, we kissed and I thought we were kind of -" He stammers a little and he looks so confused and a little hurt and for fuck's sake what did he think what was going to happen? That they were going to run of into the sunshine together and everything was going to be all rainbows and unicorns and shit? It doesn't work like that. Especially not with her.

She's not the girl at the end of the movie the guy gets, she's the annoying girlfriend everyone hates and he needs to get rid of before the credits roll.

"What? _Dating_?" She looks at him like he's a piece of gum on the bottom of her shoe and she really hates herself right now but he's like a puppy dog, he needs to learn his position in the hierarchy. It's not with her (if anything, it's way up high) and she doesn't need him to get illusions about what happened.

They kissed, _once_, it's something she does all the time. Nothing special. It's not like they made love and pledged a suicide pact together.

"I like you," he grins anyway even though she just flat out refused him, and he doesn't pause before he adds that he's pretty sure that she's like, "in love with me."

She breaks out in a small smile despite herself and it's just so him to just throw his entire being into whatever they had and expect her to do the same. She bites down on her bottom lip, "Ryder, you can't be serious."

"Wow, I think that's actually the first time you've said my actual name."

She tilts her head and takes a look at his broad shoulders and really, really nice arms and thinks, what the hell - maybe if she gives him what he wants he'll back off. She's about to talk herself out of it, because, what is she even thinking right now? He's clouding her judgement.

Still, they end up in an empty classroom, her back pressed into a globe as he pushes her against a table, his lips much less slow and sweet his time, and when she opens her eyes to look at his face she considers for a second that this is crazy and she should back out while she still can.

Instead she pushes his backpack of his shoulder and pulls his t-shirt over his head, biting on her lip as her hands rake over his stomach and up his chest. Then he kisses her again and it doesn't take too long for he hoists her up onto the table, the globe long forgotten, as his hands move up her legs.

She puts her hands on his shoulders and pulls him closer, squeezing her eyes closed to savour the moment. She didn't know when she was every going to get across something like this again. Ryder was being so gentle and sweet and still so _good_ and a little desperate. She thinks he actually _likes_ her.

Later when they're at the principal's office for scarring an entire class of freshmen for the rest of their life with their _inappropriate_ behaviour - he smiles at her and goddamnit, she smiles back.

/

They're both not one of those people who make it out to be a big deal, you know.

She means, it's a _big_ deal, it's supposed to be but it's not like she wants to wait until marriage when ninety percent of the people who get married get divorced within three months or something and it's not like Ryder isn't perfect for the job.

(He's the guy she can tell gladly tell her daughters about when she's older and they ask her about it, her first time. She'll be married to a guy like Jake, fast and unsteady, and she'll run into Ryder at the supermarket and he'll be married to a nice girl, like Marley, and she'll smile because he'd been good to her. And that's what really mattered in the end anyway.)

Besides, she's been talking about sex like she has been doing it for ages now. Fake it until you make it, right?

And they're dating now. She thinks they are anyway. They do all the couple stuff like hang out on Friday night as he distractedly drags his fingers across her arm when the watch a movie and they hold hands in the hallway and sometimes he carries her books, too and he kisses her before class and after class and in between classes and he even sang her a song in glee club.

They're a certified couple, really. It's kind of disgusting, but sometimes she thinks it's a good thing, because even though it was bound to end - at least she got to feel special for a while.

And she does when they're laying down on his bed and she's pretty sure one of his action figures is sticking in her back and he rolls them over. He just told her his parents won't be home till late and she knows that's basically code for let's do it and she's ready, she is. She could make a big deal out of this and demand candles and _time_ and r&b music but she honest to God can't figure out why that would make it any less, well, awkward.

There are limbs everywhere (she makes out all the time, she's even gone as far as third base but this is something new and she's well, _unexperienced_ and it's so new) and she can feel his hands trembling a little as he touches her and she can feel her heart beat in her throat and at first it doesn't feel good at all and it's so silent after and she just wants to scream and take it back. All of it.

The kisses, the hand holding, the feelings - but she's in too deep now and _fuck _- then he turns to look at her and he's smiling and she can literally feel her heart melt and she wishes she would want to take it back but she doesn't.

He reaches out and pushes some strays of hair out of her face before leaning in and placing a kiss on her head. (It used to strictly be mouth and neck, no fucking around and now it just makes her want to cry because he's so sweet to her.) He puts his arm around her and whispers the sweetest things like _if she's oka_y and _if she wants some water maybe _and that _he really, really loves her_.

She's completely head over heels in love with him and it hurts a lot.

/

It ends fast with them. They were the brightest candle out there - little did she know it only meant they'd burn out twice as fast, too.

It's a quick, '_i can't do this anymore_' she tells him after they win nationals and that's all it really takes for him to walk away.

She guesses it's her fault. She should've tried harder, been better but what was the point?

And she sees him looking at Marley now and then, always claiming they're just friends and she reminds herself she's not a main character in Ryder's love story, she's just a supporting role, she's not the girl he pines over or fights for.

She's just Kitty and she just likes audibly shittalking people and she's a mess and she's mean and selfish but she protects the people she loves. She's herself and she loves herself and it was just time to protect herself.

But he tells her he loves her, over and over and over even when she refuses to listen and he won't stop, he won't give up, dedicates like a whole week in glee club to getting her back and one night she cries herself to sleep because she doesn't deserve any of it, really, and she doesn't get why he's doing this when she's just a placeholder.

He knocks on her door and she doesn't want to let him in (because like this it'll only hurt _more_) but he refuses to leave until she does so with an eyeroll she opens the door for him to come in and he pulls her into her room and sits down on her bed. And she looks at him and she knows this is it, you know, the _'i'm sorry about what happened and all but i'm done resisting it and have a nice life_' talk but instead he - righteous, selfless, good Ryder - apologizes to her again for whatever he did while she's the one who screwed it all up.

She cries and he tells her sorry again and holds her and this was not supposed to happen. He was just supposed to move on. She doesn't get why he isn't. She tells him this and he rubs her arms and shakes his head a little.

"Because I love you," he states and he smiles and she hates the way his hair falls in his eyes so she pushes it back and he kisses her. Sweet and slow and steady. Nothing she ever wanted but got anyway (creeping onto and her into her heart so carefully she hadn't even noticed).

Her hairbrush is poking into her back as he clears her make-up table with one swipe and puts her down on it, spreading her legs to be able to lean closer and she gasps as he kisses her neck and she reaches behind her to grab the hairbrush and throw it anywhere, really.

After they're done she rolls them over and her hair falls around their heads like a curtain as she whispers, "I love you."

When he rolls them over and starts planting kisses in between her breasts, her hands grasping onto his back as she bites down onto her lip and like it's God own personal joke - she feels a pang in her lower back from some sort of sharp object so she pushes Ryder away, putting a knee on either side of him and giving him a quick smile ("_god, you're so beautiful_") before finding a belt shaped like the logo of some sort of superhero.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

"Did I not tell you to stop wearing Mega Stud merchandise?" She gives him a stern look and he just laughs, making her smile as he pulls her down to connect their lips again.

Honestly, her back can suck it.

/

"_'cause i jump back, crash, i crawl_

_i beg and steal, i follow you_

_yeah, you own me_

_and you make my heart beat faster._"

…

**fin.**


End file.
